It’s been a week since we found out that our little lucky charm #4 has no heartbeat. It has been the longest week of my life, full of heart ache, sleepless nights, tears, hugs, and anger. Tonight as Adrian was driving through the car wash and Ryker was screaming in terror from the sounds and sights, I couldn’t help but think about how the entire car wash experience sums up the past week.
The steady beating of the water and rough brushes swishing back and forth, back and forth. No matter how much you want to escape from the noise and the pounding, you are just stuck there. Trapped. There is nothing you can do to stop the monster machine. Instead, you just have to ride it out. Tolerate the extremely loud noises and vibration. Yet, unlike the car wash my nightmare has no immediate end in sight. It just won’t stop, because a certain amount of time has lapsed. In the end, my car wash does not result in a polished outcome. The outcome is the same no matter how hard I try to wish for it to be better. It sucks. A lot of suck.
It seems that I have missed the beginning of my story and so I wanted to share the happy moments. The 10 days of pure bliss when I knew of nothing but my pregnancy with Stavish baby #4, our lucky baby.
February was a rough month of sickness for our entire family. Ryker battled with a nasty course of bronchiolitis and Xander and Noah both had the stomach bug. I figured I caught the same bug near the end of the month. Every night I felt sick and exhausted. There were many nights I was ready to crawl into bed at 9:30 without even cracking my computer open. When the sickness didn’t seem to subside weeks later and I felt like my pants were getting a bit tight I wondered if I was pregnant. I knew there was a very slim chance I could be, since I was still nursing Ryker and my cycles have never been regular. In fact, I required fertility drugs to get pregnant with Ryker.
The exhaustion did not go away, even when I was getting enough sleep and I started to have a super human sense of smell. After debating over it for several days, I finally dragged my butt to Walgreens on Thursday evening after my two patients at the hospital. I purchased a test with one digital and one standard “if the blue line is a plus sign you are pregnant.”. I figured it is nice to have a “back up option” for down the road if the test was negative.
As soon as I got home, I locked myself in the bathroom even and took the digital test. Afterall that one is pretty fail safe, right? You are either “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant”. There is no “oh is that line dark or not dark?”. After I waited for what seemed like forever, the test results revealed a picture of a book. Huh? A book! That’s not the answer I was looking for. I quickly looked at the directions, which said that a book symbol means there is an error in reading the test. Figures! I shoved the test back in the package and in the box. Then I carried my bag upstairs and stashed it in my closet. Pushing my annoyance to the side, I went on with the normal routines of the night. Dinner, dishes, pack lunches, bathtime, and put the boys to bed. I decided to test again in the morning, since that’s the suggested time to take a pregnancy test anyway.
The next morning on Friday March 13th, I woke up to the sounds of Ryker crying for mama, much like any other morning. Instead of rushing in to get him right away, I stumbled to the bathroom and eagerly peed on the stick. Here are the results that shocked me beyond words.
Yes definitely pregnant! Shocked. Excited. Baffled. Happy. All words to describe the emotions that ran through my mind at that moment. Unlike all three of my previous positive pregnancy tests, I stifled the urge to wake up Adrian by sticking the pee stick in his face. Instead, I went about the normal morning routine. I knew this was our last pregnancy (suppose to be at least). I wanted the boys to help me tell Adrian, but just didn’t know how. What I did know is that this baby felt very lucky to me. I brainstormed ideas while at work during the morning. I could hardly focus on actual work. I decided to create four clovers with construction paper. Each clover had “Lucky 1, 2, 3 and lucky baby 4″ written on it and they were in decreasing sizes so the baby’s four leaf clover was the smallest. Simple yet fun. My thought was that I would have each boy give their clover to daddy and then give him the baby’s clover.
When we got home from work and daycare the boys were starving and getting crazy so I stuffed the clovers in my purse. We headed out to dinner at the Olive Garden, where I figured I could have the boys pull out their clovers. Except it was never a good time to give the clovers to them, without Adrian seeing them. So I anxiously waited until we were home to pull off the announcement. When each boy pulled out their clover he smiled. Before I even got to the baby’s clover he smiled and said, “You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you?”. When I pulled it out he was shocked and happy. It was a moment I won’t forget. I never want to forget that moment of happiness. The warm fuzzy feeling I get in my tummy when I discovered there would be another Stavish baby to love.