Dear Sweet Angel Autumn,
Please forgive me for I am a date late writing this. I had planned to write this yeterday, on my expected due date, yet I couldn’t seem to open my computer. In fact, I didn’t feel like doing much of anything. It took all my energy to drag myself through the long work day without breaking down into tears. My thoughts kept drifting off into the “I wonder ifs…” and the “I should be…”.
I wonder if you would have waited until after my due date to make your grand appearance.
I wonder if you would have been a boy or girl.
I wonder if you would have had a head full of strawberry blond hair.
I should be eagerly awaiting to go into labor, sitting in a hospital bed with you in my arms, or nursing you on the couch at home.
Your brothers should be meeting you.
Your daddy should be snuggling you, while I get something to eat or take a shower.
Instead your due date will always be a day I reflect on how old you would have been. I will never stop wondering and wishing things would have been different though. It’s amazing how much the heart can miss someone they never met. I miss you. I miss getting a chance to be your mama.
With the passing of the 40 weeks of pregnancy, comes new milestones to mark. Your should have been first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and so much more. Milestones I did not think of until yesterday, the day of your expected arrival. Yes of course most babies do not arrive on their due date, but it’s a date that everyone asks about when your expecting a baby. A date to mark off the beginning of new life.
Yesterday on your due date the weather was warm and sunny, and the foliage was golden yellow. In a day filled with so much sadness, I was thankful the sun was there to warm my back. Thank you for sending sunshine on a dark day. I want you to know that I will never stop loving and honoring you. Thank you for making me a mama of four precious babies. I love you and am sending you all the hugs and kisses.