It has been over three months, since I last mailed my mom a letter and 1 year and 1 month since I last spoke to her. Her uphill battle with bipolar depression continues to affect me and the rest of my family. Her decision to shut us out of her life “so we won’t have to see her like this” is heart breaking. Does she not see that her actions still affect our family this way?
Since my mom’s phone has long been shut off, I have no way of even attempting to contact her and she never returns my letters. However, there has been a small update on the unknown. My wonderful step mom, Marcy, went over to my mom’s apartment and spent a few hours with her. I had mixed feelings when Marcy delivered the news to me a few weeks ago. I’m hoping that writing this letter will help me sort out some of my feelings about her struggle with bipolar depression, before I explode out of frustration and sadness.
My mom and dad on their wedding day. They look sooo young!
The last photo taken of my mom, brother and I (May 1999)
Dear mom,
You have missed another milestone. Noah is walking now. He toddles around like a little zombie monster. Xander falls behind him, exclaiming “Noah is walking!”. It is pretty adorable. Do you realize how many milestones you have missed? So many that I’ve lost count. Xander is fully potty trained (finally) and talking in complex sentences. He has opinions and is forever asking me questions. I dread the day when he asks the question, “How come we never see grandma?” or “Why don’t we ever talk to grandma on the phone?”. I’m sure the hardest to answer will be “Didn’t she love us?’
I have no idea how I will answer his questions. It hurts my heart. I wish you were here. I wish I could call you. I wish you could just set your illness aside or even see through your fogginess. I wish you for once would give a shit, because right now I feel like you don’t. It is frustrating to me and it hurts. Your hurting these little boys. That is what hurts the most.
When Marcy called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me she spent time with you I felt relieved and then confused and then angry. The list of feelings goes on and on. I am glad to hear that you are “ok” meaning not dead, because before then I had no idea. I assumed you weren’t, but then again you just never know. Her recount of her visit with you confirms to me that your bipolar depression continues to rear it’s ugly head. Guess what? It is not going away by itself.
Marcy told me you were crying a lot and didn’t want us to see you like that. You didn’t want us to worry about you and blah, blah, blah. I’m tired of the same excuse. It has been over a year. Isn’t it time to crawl out of this deep dark hole? We are here no matter what. Family sticks together, no matter what. In case you haven’t realized that after having me as your daughter for 33 years, it’s time to figure it out.
It is also time you start doing something about your feelings and illness, before it further destroys your life. Do you want to walk around like a zombie? Not talking to your family, pushing them away. Watching them grow through scattered letters and photographs you receive. Or do you want to live your life? Don’t you want to experience the joys of watching your grandchildren grow up? Hear their voice on the phone. Receive artwork from them in the mail. Visit them during the holidays. Hug them. Kiss them. Tell them you love them.
The choice is yours, weather you think so or not. You have the courage to battle this illness. Hell, you suffered through third degree burns on a large portion of your body and fought hard to bounce back from that. I know you are a lot stronger than you think. Take that first step. Make that first appointment. I’m still here waiting. I’m not going anywhere. You know how to get in touch with me.
I love you and miss you. I hope that someday soon you will pick up the phone to dial a number for help. Then dial my number to hear your grandchildren’s voices on the phone, because they will love you unconditionally. They don’t care what state you are in. That is one of the gifts of loving a child, they just don’t care. If they know of your presence, they will know you love them. Their smiles will help you fight through this. I will help you fight through this, but I can’t do it alone. I need you to call your doctors. I am here.
Love you,
Mindi
As I continue to struggle with my mom’s mental illness, I am trying to learn more about it. In case you or someone you know struggles with it, here are some helpful articles:
Signs, Symptoms and Treatment of Bipolar Depression
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance- A wonderful resource about finding local support systems, wellness options and education on bipolar and depression.
Related articles
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: hellonurse182
August 22, 2012 at 7:15 AM
I hear you girl. It’s so sad and frustrating when someone you love so much will NOT get the help that they desperately need. My dad is the exact same. He cannot see enough past his own illness and disease to seek the help he truly needs. Our situation is a bit different in the fact that I’m actively not allowing my dad in my life, though he does want to be in it…but when the day comes (if ever) that Braden asks about my dad…I’m just going to tell him that “Grandpa is very very sick and we can’t see him right now” or something to that effect. I pray that my dad turns his life around before Braden notices. It hurts me so much that his disease is more important than a life and relationship with his kids and grandkids. I’ll be thinking of you and your mom.
Sarah [NurseLovesFarmer.com] recently posted..Currently
Thanks so much for your support Sarah. It really means a lot! Sorry your dad is being the same way but battle other stuff. That’s a very good thing to say to B. I will probably say something very similar to the boys. Yes it is a constant hurt. I hope both of our parents can figure things out sometime soon.
Twitter: arobinsc
August 22, 2012 at 7:35 AM
Thank you so much for sharing this. I just recently came across your blog so I look forward to catching up on it. We are dealing with this in our family as well. I already have like 10 questions for you but I’ll read your blog first to see if they’re answered before I unload!
Please feel free to ask me questions. It is such a hard thing to deal with. I hope you can get through whatever you are dealing with. I know it’s sometimes one day at a time. There are days I feel a bit more sad about it all than others. But I keep pushing through for my two little boys who love me no matter what.
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
Twitter: sugarnspicelife
August 22, 2012 at 8:40 AM
Hugs Friend. Big ones. It makes me so sad that she can’t see Noah & Xander grow on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. They are amazing little kids. It makes me even more sad that she can’t see you continue to grow as a person, friend, mother, wife…..I know it’s hard. There are people who I am blood related too I wish would be in my life more, but they have their own thing going on. It comes down to you can’t force people. I feel like if I have to beg, plead for you to be in my life, you truly don’t deserve to be here with me & my amazing, growing family. I have friends & other people who ARE willing to be here and show more love & support than those people, and I will take that any day!! I am happy to be a part of your life, anyone should/would be!
Heather J recently posted..JUST a Giveaway: $20 to Ecomom
Thanks so much Heather. I’m so, so happy to have you in my life. You are an amazing friend who I know I can turn to with all this junk and you won’t judge. More importantly you have been through hell and back too so you know what it’s like. Thanks for your real world hugs!
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
Oh, Mindi. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I hope your mother does find the help she needs, does come to the realization that it means more to your whole family that she be present if she’s able rather than opt not to (I know a bit about bipolar disorder, so I don’t mean “opt” to be flippant or dismissive because I know full well this disease takes options right away from some sufferers). I guess the only thing you can do, should Xander start to ask, is be honest (as much as you can with a younger child, I guess). I mean, I’m sure you already know that, but I’m also sure the idea of having the conversation(s) isn’t one you relish.
It is August. I saw my mother last month when she dropped off a gift for my daughter’s birthday. Prior to that, I hadn’t seen or spoken to her since New Year’s Day. She lives 20 minutes away. She is not suffering from a mental illness. She speaks to my sisters DAILY. I know what the loss of a parent feels like when you need her, want her, want her to experience life with your children. My kids don’t know her. They are respectful, but it comes across more as mere toleration for this sometimes lady who is sometimes around.
Arnebya recently posted..Yesterday I Wasn’t Nice
Thanks so much for your kind words. I hope she does too but in the meantime I push forward and live my life with my children with no regrets. Everyday is precious to us. No I am not looking forward to that conversation with Xander when the day comes but I will be honest.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. How crazy that she lives so close to you and doesn’t want to be part of your life. That must be heartbreaking especially when there is no real reason for it. At least you have taught your children to be respectful even if it is just toleration. Hugs! Hope she comes around at some point before they are all grown and she has missed out.
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
Twitter: green_eyedmomma
August 22, 2012 at 12:18 PM
Hugs, you are amazing for sharing this with us. I wish your mother, could see the beautiful children that bring such joy to your home. Your sons are so stinking cute! Keep writing and do not lose hope. Sending thoughts of comfort, peace, and happiness your way!
Jenny F recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
Thanks so much Jenny! I really appreciate it.
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
Twitter: goodgirlgonered
August 22, 2012 at 1:37 PM
I’m so sorry. I wish I had words but you are right. It is totally her choice, and there is little you can do to make her make one that meshes with what you and your family need. Sending you continued strength and love and courage. I hope you can connect with her some day.
Here’s another link with some resources if you’d like: http://bandbacktogether.com/bipolar-disorder-resources/
Andrea recently posted..My little squishy face.
Thanks so much for your support and for this resource. What a great one. I really appreciate it!
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this. It’s so hard when a parent decides to not be a part of your life. My mom isn’t part of our lives and honestly… I have no idea why. It pains me a great deal but I’m starting to accept it because at this point I don’t have a lot of options.
I hope that your mom takes that step and makes that call and then calls you… she really has no idea what she is missing out on.
Jackie recently posted..PYHO:That Girl….
Yes it is very hard. That’s very strange your mom isn’t part of your lives and you don’t know why. As a parent myself I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that I would ever want to shut myself out from my own child. I’m sure you feel the same way. Thanks for your support and encouragement!
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
Twitter: itsavol
August 22, 2012 at 3:17 PM
Oh honey. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Keep writing to her. Having suffered from a mental illness that made me withdraw from everything I loved, I promise you that you never know what might make that click in her mind that she doesn’t want to be this way. I am sending so many hugs your way!!!
Sarah @ It’s a Vol recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Family Photos
Thanks Sarah. I really appreciate your support and the perspective you share. I really hope she has a mind click soon. The waiting is so, so hard.
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
Mindi –
You did it again – my heart is hurting with yours and I’ve got tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat for you. It’s not fair that your mom is missing everything. It’s not even remotely the same, but all I can compare it to is how I feel about my dad dying five years ago and not even getting to meet my boys. It makes me sad, mad, and I feel sorry for myself. I’m sorry your mom isn’t around right now, but maybe she will come around. Like Sarah said, you never know what will click with her and make her want to change or get help.
HUGS.
Mommy in the Midwest recently posted..Dear Dexter (15 month letter)
Thanks my friend. It is so hard for sure. I am sorry your dad never got to meet your amazing boys. It’s hard not to feel mad about it. I’m sure he would just love them to death.
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
I’m so sorry she has made the decision to shut you out. Keep writing to her.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Gone in an Instant
Thanks so much. I plan on it. As long as the letters aren’t sent back I will keep writing.
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
Twitter: KristenPGIP
August 22, 2012 at 10:52 PM
Mindi, I am hurting right now with you. I know what you want for your boys. I didn’t have a relationship with my mom’s mom because she moved to FL when I was a baby. She chose to never pick up the phone to call me or come visit or acknowledge anything my mom mailed to her. She didn’t have an illness. She just chose to not be there. I struggled with a lot of questions as I grew. Finally, my Grandmother moved back to MD and after a few years we worked things out. She was there when I was married, at both of my girls’ births and showered them with love and fun until the day she passed away. Don’t stop trying. I know it is hard. I saw that it was on my mom and she never did. Those two sweet boys of yours deserve the love of their grandmother. And she should be there to see you be the wonderful mother that you are. Truly, Kristen
Kristen recently posted..Guest Post at Love Life Surf
Thanks for sharing this with me. I’m so happy to hear things worked out with you and your mom and that she was able to be part of some amazing moments in your life. I’m for sure going to keep trying. I’m a pretty stubborn person.
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
I can completely understand – my brother in law is bipolar and has shut us out of his life. part of me is relieved because after his severe depression, he is prone to violent rages. I certainly don’t want to witness one of those again, or want my children to be subjected to another episode. But that means they don’t get to spend time with their 2 cousins. I have wonderful strong bonds with my cousins – but my children will miss out on this.
but the real struggle is that the rest of the family is mad at US for not allowing the children to play together, despite the problems with the adults. They seem to think that we have the problem. Um sorry, but when you tell me to get out of your life and follow up with some nastiness posted to my Facebook….pretty sure I am not in the mood for a play date.
You can’t have it both ways. you either are in our life and work together in love during conflict, or you’re out till your are healthy and of sound mind. I will not subject myself, or my children to someone who is completely unpredictable. It doesn’t mean we don’t love him….but not being in our life is the right decision for now.
Rorybore recently posted..Legally Pissed
Oh yikes so scary that he has the violent type of bipolar. So, so scary. For sure better that he is not around the family like that.
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
Oh Mindi – I’m so sorry. I just can’t imagine… sending you lots of hugs….
ang recently posted..DIY Gardener Soap with Free Printable Gift Tag
Thanks so much Ang. You know in high school I always took to my friends mom’s as if they were my own because often they would be there for me more than my own. Your mom was one of those. I remember wishing I could have a mom more than your mom!
I considered Juju to be like a mom to me as well. I’m thankful to have had those adults in my life that cared about me and were there for me.
Mindi Stavish recently posted..Finished Object: Handknit Milan Jacket for Noah
my mom will be so touched to hear that, mindi… i forwarded her your note. judy was pretty amazing, too. your kids are so lucky to have you – i know that they’ll never wonder for one second how much you love and support them.
hope you’re having a good day, dear friend!
ang recently posted..Snapshots: Blueberry Picking
Oh, this breaks my heart! There are so many tools out there for overcoming depression, be they medicine, counseling, even major changes in diet (and often contrary to what we’re taught on our happy food guide pyramid). Don’t give up on your mom! Keep sending her faith and hope in those letters – she can pull out of that hole, it’s just super hard! Thank you for sharing – I’ll keep you in my best thoughts and prayers!
Jen recently posted..My Name is Jake, by Jennifer Turner Review (CHILDREN’S)
Thanks so much for your support. I can only hope my mom finds the strength get out out of the deep, dark hole she has fell into. In the meantime it is so hard to watch from the outside as she wants nothing to do with us. It just breaks my heart.
Loving someone with a mental illness can be so tough. My husband struggles with OCD and anger issues. He’s had and we’ve had and I’ve had lots of therapy. And we have luckily found a medication that helps.
My mother is another story. She’s a compulsive shopper, prescription meds addict, and a hoarder. Who also struggles with depression. And she’s local and makes my life crazy on a regular basis. Things have been really ugly the last few days.
But you are right, they have to choose to get better. There is no way to make them get better or do it for them. I wish you strength and understanding. And I hope you can someday have the connection you’re looking for.
misssrobin recently posted..Simple Joys: My Bowl
Thanks so much for sharing your story about your husband and mother. That must be very challenging to deal with, especially because they are two people whom you love very, very much. I too wish you strength to deal with whatever comes your way. Hugs.
This is such a sad story to read.
My mom is suffering from Scleroderma and she hasn’t completely shut us out but she rarely calls and all she does now is either complain or send an email. I don’t know what to do to gain a relationship with her. We never really had a close one but I’m 34 and the past has to be the past. I don’t want to lose her and have this between us.
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