There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my mom and what she has filled her life with these days. Holidays, birthday celebrations and big life moments tend to make me more vulnerable about my feelings towards her. Sometimes I feel angry that her actions of letting us go from her life, mostly due to her severe depression, rob me of complete joy during such events. As I start to feel 100% happy, there is always a gnawing feeling of sadness that she isn’t here to share my joy with.
As I approach Xander’s birthday next week and then Noah’s birthday in April, I can’t help but wonder just how many more birthdays will she miss. These amazing kids are growing faster than I can hold on to and she is missing it all. To be honest, I’m really not sure how much longer I can hold on to the hope that she will find her way back to us. Somedays I just don’t feel strong enough. Somedays I think it would be easier if I just let go. I know deep down I would never forgive myself if I did this and so I continue to hold on to hope. Until then here are some things I wish I could tell her….
I wish I could tell you that we were in a scary car accident almost two weeks ago. Thankfully all five of us are relatively okay, but it could have gone the other way. You could have lost all of us. Forever.
Would that wake you up enough to come back?
I wish I could tell you that the baby has started kicking harder and harder. Just last Sunday while watching the Super Bowl Adrian was able to feel him or her. It’s such an amazing feeling that I will never get enough of!
I wish I could tell you that I bought my very first newborn outfit yesterday from Target. Man is it hard to find cute gender neutral stuff! Even the three piece outfit I found is more “boyish” than “girlish” but it would look pretty darn adorable with a pink or purple hand knit hat.
I wish I could tell you Noah is finally sleeping better after having ear tubes put in last week. No more ear infections hopefully!
I wish I could tell you that Xander learned how to snap and was so excited about his accomplishment last night. The look on his face was priceless.
I wish I could tell you that I’m super proud of my oldest son. He is turning into quite the fun loving boy. I can hardly believe he will be four in a week and a half.
I wish I could tell you that Noah loves his big brother more than anything. He follows him around like a little puppy dog and it is the cutest thing.
I wish that I could tell you that sometimes I just need a hug from my mom. I just need to hear your voice. I just need to know that you are doing okay.
For now I’ll have to keep waiting. I’m not sure how much longer I can.