There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my mom and what she has filled her life with these days. Holidays, birthday celebrations and big life moments tend to make me more vulnerable about my feelings towards her. Sometimes I feel angry that her actions of letting us go from her life, mostly due to her severe depression, rob me of complete joy during such events. As I start to feel 100% happy, there is always a gnawing feeling of sadness that she isn’t here to share my joy with.
As I approach Xander’s birthday next week and then Noah’s birthday in April, I can’t help but wonder just how many more birthdays will she miss. These amazing kids are growing faster than I can hold on to and she is missing it all. To be honest, I’m really not sure how much longer I can hold on to the hope that she will find her way back to us. Somedays I just don’t feel strong enough. Somedays I think it would be easier if I just let go. I know deep down I would never forgive myself if I did this and so I continue to hold on to hope. Until then here are some things I wish I could tell her….
I wish I could tell you that we were in a scary car accident almost two weeks ago. Thankfully all five of us are relatively okay, but it could have gone the other way. You could have lost all of us. Forever.
Would that wake you up enough to come back?
I wish I could tell you that the baby has started kicking harder and harder. Just last Sunday while watching the Super Bowl Adrian was able to feel him or her. It’s such an amazing feeling that I will never get enough of!
I wish I could tell you that I bought my very first newborn outfit yesterday from Target. Man is it hard to find cute gender neutral stuff! Even the three piece outfit I found is more “boyish” than “girlish” but it would look pretty darn adorable with a pink or purple hand knit hat.
I wish I could tell you Noah is finally sleeping better after having ear tubes put in last week. No more ear infections hopefully!
I wish I could tell you that Xander learned how to snap and was so excited about his accomplishment last night. The look on his face was priceless.
I wish I could tell you that I’m super proud of my oldest son. He is turning into quite the fun loving boy. I can hardly believe he will be four in a week and a half.
I wish I could tell you that Noah loves his big brother more than anything. He follows him around like a little puppy dog and it is the cutest thing.
I wish that I could tell you that sometimes I just need a hug from my mom. I just need to hear your voice. I just need to know that you are doing okay.
For now I’ll have to keep waiting. I’m not sure how much longer I can.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: sugarnspicelife
February 6, 2013 at 8:55 AM
I get so upset when I read these, but I am so happy you are able to talk about it.
Thankfully, you have people in your life you can tell. We love you dearly.
Hugs my dear friend xxxooo
Thanks my friend. Yes it really helps to talk about it and I get a lot of great support online from all the wonderful bloggers out there. yet another reason why I love blogging. That and all my wonderful in life friends such as you!! Love ya!!
Twitter: cammcdan
February 6, 2013 at 9:36 AM
These always break my heart Mindi! Nothing can take the place of your own mommy.
Candice recently posted..our home: the boys’ happy little bathroom
You got that right my friend!!
I’m sorry that you’re not able to share all of these wonderful things with your mom. It’s so difficult… I know because I too am not able to share them with mine. She has distanced her self from us.
Jackie recently posted..Mom Hair
Sorry to hear that. We need to start some sort of online support group. Adults with mom’s who just don’t get a damn lol
Twitter: KristenPGIP
February 6, 2013 at 11:16 AM
Mindi, I wish I could go to your mom and get her to a doctor so she could see what she is missing out on. You have the biggest heart and your boys…they make my heart melt when I see them on Instagram. I wish she could understand that having all of you in her life would make it so much easier and worth living.
big hugs! xoxo
Kristen recently posted..Connecting Through Music
Thank you so much. Your words brought tears to my eyes. I too wish my mom would get to a doctor. She has been off her meds for way too long.
Thanks for your support.
This is such a touching post! I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve stopped by. I’m sorry your mom is missing such wonderful things. Mental illnesses can be the worst; I have some in my family as well. With things like this I think it’s sometimes healthier to let go. It sounds like you have some wonderful people in your life right now and there is nothing better than to look at their cute little faces when you are feeling a little sad. That always cheers me up
) By the way, I had no idea you were pregnant! Congrats! You are looking wonderful! Hugs!
Elena recently posted..So what if…
Ugh mental illness is so very had to deal with for sure. Yes the faces of my boys cheer me up whenever I am feeling down. They are really my world!
Wow. I can relate to this so much. My mother estranged herself from us for the most part several years ago. She barely knows my family – has had very little interaction with my little lady and other than maybe once or twice a year via text, rarely makes contact. I once longed for her to be the mom I wish I had – but as I’ve worked through so much in the past few years, now I just want her to be a part of our lives regardless of all of her “messiness.” I struggle the most when I think about how much I love my daughter – and how I would never stop pursuing a relationship with her – no matter what happens in this life…and then I just wonder how she could possibly let go of us so easily.
Courtney recently posted..The Search for the Best Coffeein New York City Darling Coffee – Washington Heights
So sorry to hear about your mother too. It is so hard especially as a mother. I just can’t even imagine shutting my children out of my life. It would break me. Hugs to you!!
Twitter: itsavol
February 6, 2013 at 5:00 PM
Oh my sweet friend. I am so dreadfully sorry you are going through this.
Sarah @ It’s a Vol! recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Mr. Bear Comes to Dinner
Thanks my friend!! I appreciate your support.
I hope that she is able to be a part of your life again, soon.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: How We Deal
Thanks so much Shell! I hope so too. At this point that’s all I can do.
Hugs….
ang recently posted..Networking on the Grow Your Blog
Thanks Ang!
This is my first visit. I am so sorry that this is your reality.
My mom doesn’t live really close to me, but I can call her when I have something exciting or scary to share. I can’t imagine what it would be like without her being present in my life.
You seem to be able to find the joy in the precious moments of your life… and that is such a blessing.
AJ Collins recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: My 9 year old is really smart, and also, he has ADHD
Thanks so much for stopping by! Yes I do try to find the joy in my life everyday. It’s the small things that matter most at the end of the day right?
Twitter: hellonurse182
February 8, 2013 at 5:23 PM
You know I’m right there with you, Mindi. I hate that your mom and my dad can’t clearly see what amazing things they’re missing out on by being so selfish. Maybe one day they’ll turn around.
Sarah [Nurse Loves Farmer] recently posted..Organic vs. Non-Organic Food: A Professional Mama’s View
I sure hope so Sarah!